On the Road - An Apology to the Author (or) Jim, Butchered (Reviewed by Matthew Berger)

Paul's Note - Plenty of things get reviewed. Films. Books. Music. Ice dancing. Hit and run driving. But not book signings. No one reviews book signings. Why? Well, because evolution takes time, the monkeys would tell you that (if they could speak). We, as a society, clearly weren't ready for a critical examination of an author's event. Until now. So rejoice that your knuckles no longer drag, hair has migrated away from your back, and we can chat in polite company about the dark side of book publishing: book tours. So with great glee I present On the Road, a review of a book signing, filled with big words, and even bigger ideas.


Dear James (your real name is James, right?),

It is with a heavy heart I write this letter to you that you will never read.

It would seem you are on a book tour promoting the release of your newest book in the Dresden Files, Changes, and the cruel tapestry that Fate has woven for your life features my string, which is why I saw you this afternoon at Huntington Beach Barnes & Noble. But Fate is a funny thing, far less so than me, but I digress, let’s talk about Changes. Right, well, I haven’t read it. Haven’t read a single thing of yours, actually. Not even a dust jacket. Still, that did not stop me from losing myself among four hundred much-more adoring fans on that second floor landing, my arms laden with so many books I was sure I had been lured into some nefarious activity by those with me who have actually read your stuff, (I blame Paul, his wife and my Dad). Rest assured, lying, finagling and haberdashery (a fantastic word the English language has created a horrible definition for, so I choose to redefine it here and now) ensued. To that mis-made point: if you are a book store, and you wish to have a book signing, clearly the idea is to attract a successful author who will call upon his legions to meet and make feast of words with them at the store, with the end goal being capital gains for both the store and author. I respect that; go-go economic recovery. But come on, B&N, the last bastion of the written word! You of all establishments should understand the inherent idiocy in asking a legion of diehard fans to purchase a book they most certainly already have purchased within 30 seconds of its purchasable existence. They don’t want two copies, and by the tappity-tap-tweet-tweet I hear throughout the store, I would say all of Twitterverse knows of your transgressions as well.

I apologize Jim, that wasn’t meant for you. Back to changes, the verb/noun/book. You look different, sir, less potential wizard and more slightly-crazed-college-professor. Good changes, according to my sister. I don’t judge men’s looks. Not even Justin Beiber's, because I think that would constitute statutory rape. Also, you handle your whole-group discussions with the grace and power of a slightly bored viper, deftly deflecting the ridiculous, and latching on to the fascinating, drawing the audience down the rabbit hole with your words until you have the prey in your fangs (us!). Really, what that horrible metaphor meant to say was I think you’re a good public speaker. Very funny.

I continue to elocute where I should be apologizing. But where we had to wait for half of the alphabet to pass us by, so must you wait for half the dictionary to pass you by. Three hours of waiting and finally we got to see your less shaggy face up close, and eighteen signed books later the four of us were out of your life. But still I feel the need to apologize and say: clearly, your wizard Harry did not defeat Voldemort. I was facetious. I was sarcastic. I was wrong. It’s one of my more attractive qualities. And although I am at least 26 books behind, I declare, after having listened to your humble wit and acrid humor, that I will read your books, and find out what makes this Harry tick.

Your Newest Fan,

Matt

Photos courtesy of Larry Berger