"Monster" by A. Lee Martinez (Orbit)

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Monster
A. Lee Martinez
304 pp. Orbit. $19.99
Pub. Date: 5/11/2009
ISBN-13: 978-0316041263

Reviewed by Paul Stotts

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Imagine working at the local supermarket. The blindingly bright bank of florescent lights humming above, soothingly, almost loud enough to hide the languid buzzing, the death-throes, of a fly that’s gotten into the deli case. Again. Big tricked-out nametag and kangaroo pouch apron ensemble—in a putrid brown—identifies you. Defines you, screaming—Grocery Professional. Cart-pushing rabble littering the store flock to you, surround you, eager and hopeful. Like sailors lured by a siren’s call. Looking for answers. Important answers. Like where the Macaroni and Cheese is. Or the Bagel Bites.

Quiet moments are filled with stocking shelves, opening boxes of sugary merchandise, and mopping up some four-year old’s Jackson Pollock inspired Otter Pop art on Aisle Three. Or the ultimate respite—restocking ice cream. An opportunity—a glorious opportunity—to leave the sales floor, to leave behind the maddening crowds. To go to the holiest of holies, the store sanctuary, the stockroom. Where a huge walk-in freezer resides, the home of half-gallons, the land of ice cream, Popsicles and Klondikes.

You open the freezer door. Only to discover a Yeti devouring the Rocky Road; the freezer floor littered with shredded ice cream containers, Ben & Jerry-themed confetti everywhere, Cherry Garcia stalactites protruding from the ceiling. You close the freezer door quickly, securing it.

Now what?

Call for help? Maybe dial 911? Tell them there’s a Yeti in the ice cream freezer. Sure. They’ll believe that. A response team will be there—half past never. So who’s going to believe you? Who are you gonna call?

No. Not Ghostbusters. It’s a Yeti, not Slimer.

Monster. That’s who.

Trolls living in your closet, doing unspeakable things to your shoes? Call Monster. Gaborchends eating all the furnishings in your apartment, your favorite loveseat reduced to a plaid-and-woodsy smelling belch? Call Monster. Crazy old lady living next door, her house crawling with hundreds of cats? Odd. Better call Monster. Yeti in an ice cream freezer, slurping down the Rocky Road? Yep—you guessed it—for all your pest control needs: call Monster.

He’s Animal Control Services. Except for Yetis and other magical beasties. A trained specialist in cryptobiological containment and rescue. He’ll get the job done. Most of the time.

And sometimes without injuries.

“Monster”, the new novel by A. Lee Martinez, takes this humorous setup, and embraces it. With a lustful gusto. Like a prisoner greeting his wife on a conjugal visit. It’s a wonderful three-hundred page running joke, the rare one that sustains itself to the end. Never losing its steam, never losing its humor. Never losing its passion. It’s infectious energy, pure, vibrating with life; a leather-bound good mood. Try not to smile while reading “Monster.” I dare you. I double-dog dare you.

Most of the novel’s magic arises from its characters. They’re society’s underdogs, the downtrodden, the little guys, seemingly nothing special. Life’s a constant struggle for them, just to survive; forget about getting ahead. Yet they still fight, with all their heart. And with great humor. So to watch them succeed, to discover themselves, to finally realize—“Hey, I’m special, too.”—is gratifying, even exhilarating. And better yet—funny as hell. An intoxicating mixture of funny with feel-good, Monty Python meets the American Dream, Horatio Alger with a whoopee cushion.

Monster’s sidekick—and informational repository for all things magic—Chester, in particular, is brilliant. Chester’s an interdimensional being; a six dimensional non-physical entity inhabiting a crafted paper body. A paper gnome able to refold himself into various shapes, self-motivated College Ruled. A paper Transformer, a car one moment, a hummingbird the next. Just don’t warm him by the fire. He’s origami with attitude. And I wanted more.

Last Word:
Being funny’s really hard. Like finding-pleasant-weather-in-Wisconsin hard. Many try. Few succeed. A. Lee Martinez, though, succeeds. Wildly. “Monster” is a triple espresso for the funny bone, brewed by a crazed, wild-eyed barista infatuated with Ghostbusters. A huge jolt of energy, minus the caffeine. It’s infectious, and incredibly fun. Like giggling with your best friend all night long. It’s a smile supernova.

Because your face is certain to explode into a grin.

Final Grade: 81 out of 100

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